Three Ways To Be Less Lonely During COVID
Image via https://unsplash.com/@deividas
As someone who wrote a book about reducing loneliness, it’s been devastating to live in a time where people need connection more than ever — but it’s literally life-threatening to gather in person. This bizarre juxtaposition has raised an important question: how can we maintain connection to others while staying safe?
After lots of conversations with friends and colleagues, I’ve come up with three main areas to focus on. I hope they give you something small to control in this bonkers moment where so much is up in the air.
If you don’t read any further, please know that if you feel lonely or disconnected, it’s because you’re a functioning human. You’re totally normal. In fact, it’s a very healthy response to being away from the people you love and care about.
Please be extra tender to yourself right now. We’re all living through a pandemic — the last thing we need is to shame ourselves for not being strong enough. We all need support, my friend. Now, onto the tips for connection:
1) Get Curious
At this moment, you’ve probably spent roughly 6 months with the same group of people. You’re getting to know them really well. In fact, you might think you know them so well that you’ve lost all sense of curiosity about them. You see this phenomenon in romantic couples all the time: they see each other every day, start talking about the same old stuff, and lose their spark because they’ve stopped discovering new sides of each other.
Ask Quality Questions
Whether you have a romantic partner in your pod or not, it’s crucial to maintain curiosity about the people around you. No matter how long you’ve known someone, there are always new aspects of them to explore. And the best way to find them? Quality questions!
Put simply: When you ask someone a new question, you can learn something new about them.
Here are some examples of quality questions:
What’s something that you were totally obsessed with as a kid?
What was the last thing that made you laugh?
What are you passionate about right now?
What’s a story about your childhood that you’ve never told me?
What did your grandparents teach you?
What do most people assume about you that isn’t true?
If none of these feel right, ask yourself, “What do I wish someone would ask me?” Then use that!
Listen
After asking a quality question, the next step is to listen. While that might sound simple, it’s a skill that a lot of people have failed to master. In order for your conversation partner to feel heard, you need to do a few things that might not feel natural to you. Like anything else, they are a skill that requires practice–– but the reward of deep connection is worth it.
Don’t interrupt. Seriously. If there’s anything I’ve learned from coaching, it’s that a moment of silence can be all a person needs to go deeper and share something they’ve never thought about before. All you need to do in order for this to happen is take one deep breath. At first, this will feel super unnatural. You might get nervous-sweaty just thinking about it. But I promise you, your conversation partner won’t notice. In fact, that one deep breath will likely slow the pace of your conversation and help it take on a slower, more relaxed tone.
Reflect what you heard. When you can repeat back to someone what you heard–– especially in your own words–– they know that you’re listening. This will help them feel safer in the conversation, and likely encourage them to go deeper. After all, no one wants to be sharing with someone who isn’t engaged!
Ask simple, yet powerful questions. As your partner is sharing, you can ask them questions that will take them in a direction that they’ve probably never considered before. That’s the power of talking to someone else! These prompts are a little obvious, yet are completely underused. “What was that like?” “How did that feel?” and “Why do you think you felt that way?” are three easy questions that will lead to a more connected conversation.
2) Go Inwards
In a recent interview, Elizabeth Gilbert–– the author of Eat, Pray, Love–– commented on how many of her fans expressed a wish to could go on a meditation retreat. She laughed, saying, “You really want that? Well, COVID is it! For free!”
That conversation really created a shift for me. What if, instead of resisting it, I leaned into the unique energy of this moment–– aloneness? What if I used this as an experiment in getting to know who I am without any other external forces?
This realization led me to move into an apartment on my own for the first time. After all, when else will I have an opportunity like this?
Assess Your Screen time
I’ll be honest — my screen time has gone WAY up in these past few months. Like, “guy in the balloon in the movie Up” levels of up. And hey, social media and TV can be a great way to escape the shit storm that is this year. But at the same time, there comes a threshold where consuming media goes from feeling fun to draining and lifeless.
An important question for me to track while I’m online is: “Am I using this time to connect or to compare?” In other words, am I having fun sharing about myself and chatting with people, or do I feel crappy about myself because I’m comparing my life to other folks’ highlight reels? If you ever start to fall into that mode, stop. That’s when it’s time to take a social media break.
Write Yourself A Letter From Love
When you’re away from the screen, you might notice that your emotions come to the surface more easily. Warning: this can be scary if you’re not used to it. After all, it’s uncomfortable to be taken over by a sudden wave of sadness or anger! In these moments, I write myself a letter.
This technique comes from my spiritual mom who I mentioned before, Elizabeth Gilbert. She likes to write herself a “letter from love,” which she explains in a beautiful talk on Insight Timer. Personally, I like to write myself a letter from my higher power. You might call this spirit, or God, or Dolly Parton. Whatever label you use, make sure that you’re turning the writing reigns over to a force that’s outside of yourself.
To get started, write this higher power a question or request. That could look like “What do I need to know right now?”, “What should I do next?” or “I’m scared. Please comfort me.”
Then genuinely imagine turning your mind over to this power. See what comes out. I’m always surprised by how loving and insightful that force–– which is still technically me–– is.
3) Give Outwards
Research has shown that giving makes us happier than receiving. In fact, numerous studies have shown that giving money to others or to charity will put a much bigger smile on your face than spending on yourself.
These are some easy ways to share love with others and keep in touch with your community during quarantine.
Share gratitude
An intimacy teacher I love, John Wineland, has a great practice for whenever he feels himself closing off to others. It’s simple but powerful: he reaches out to ten people and shares why he appreciates them.
It doesn’t matter if you hear back from these people or not. The important thing is that you’re breaking the pattern that so many of us fall into when we’re in a slump — we only think about what we need. That mindset can feel stressful and contracted. Yet a generous mindset feels expansive and loving — which often then translates to how we treat ourselves later.
The power of voice notes
Whenever I’m chatting with someone and we start praising someone else, I (almost) always whip out my phone and send them a quick voice note to let them know how much we appreciate them. It only takes a minute, but always brightens people’s day. Bonus: whoever you’re talking to will likely be inspired to carry that habit into future conversations.
If you want to get really crazy with it, send a video. Either way, a sample script to follow can sound like:
“Hey, ______! We were just reminiscing about that time you did ______, and how incredible that was. I’m always so inspired by your____ and wanted to let you know. Sending love!”
Create what you crave
This last tip takes a lot more energy and is probably not for the brave parents who are homeschooling children right now. Yet if you have some extra time on your hands, and want to feel like you’re contributing to your community, reflect on these questions:
What space do I wish existed online right now? (IE a women’s or men’s circle for my friends, a game night, watching movies together, a book club)
What would it take for me to create this for my friends, either in partnership with someone else or alone?
How will I feel after this online gathering happens?
Is there a way to host this consistently, and potentially rotate hosts?
So many people are hungry for specific spaces online, yet fail to realize that they could easily create it themselves. Chances are if you’re longing for something, other people are, too. As I say in my book, “The world needs more people who are brave enough to call themselves gatherers.” Could that be you?
I hope these tips provided some inspiration for connecting more deeply to yourself and others during these buck wild times. If they were helpful, or if you have anything that you’d like to add to the list, let me know in the comments!